After a breakup, you have new-found free time and the motivation to make a change. How do you go...
Making Your EX Pay for Your Next
In this day and age of microwave thinking (everything is ready in 5 minutes or less) we don’t give ourselves enough time to heal. I can speak firsthand to this as it relates my healing journey. I gave myself a full year off and still have some ways to go.
A year with no dates, no social media, no sex, no casual hang outs, no sliding in DM’s, nothing, nada, zilch. During that year, I spent a lot of time licking my wounds of a very toxic relationship and allowing my Abba Father to talk to me and show me the ways in which I needed heal. It was not an easy year, initially I spent time beating myself up for staying in such bad relationships for so long. I realized in that year, that I learned a lot from those past relationships (especially the one I had just gotten out of at that time).
In this new season, I definitely feel stronger, wiser and more self-aware. But here’s the gag about self-awareness. I have become aware that I still have some growing up to do. I found myself at the top of this year, dating again. And I have also realized that while dating I am expecting this guy to do the same as the others from my past. Don’t get me wrong sis, being cautious is one thing. But assuming and always expecting the worse is something completely different.
Example, guy I was dating didn’t call me for a couple of days after we had been speaking daily for a couple months. Because of my previous trauma filled relationship, I automatically assumed the worse. Saying things to myself- he ghosted me, he with another chick, he don’t want to talk to me anymore. And with that last thought came the self-shaming and loathing- what did I do wrong, replaying my last interaction to see if it was something I said or did, revisiting previous conversation that didn’t go so well and wondering if that played a factor…. Chiiilllle, I was so far in the stratosphere somewhere with my thoughts, it was insane. I had to really slow myself down and A- realize that I’m good, beautiful and worthy of happiness. And B- realize where these thoughts were coming from…. Past Hurt.
My ex-husband left, I caught him trying to pack his things to leave us to be with his mistress. I was at work and decided to come home early that day. That women’s intuition is a beast, let me tell you. My ex-boyfriend, he would kiss me goodbye and I would come home from work and all of his belongings would be gone out my house. And I was foolish enough to go through that time and time again. Ya’ll remember Gloria from Waiting to Exhale. That was me! Each time he would come back with a gift and an excuse. So I expected to be walked out on.
So when I didn’t hear from this guy for a couple of days, mind you things were going SO well, I expected the same from him. Except this time I responded in a way that felt would protect my feelings from being hurt. I wanted to cut him off first, I thought terrible things. Acting out of spite, so much so- that when he did call, I didn’t want to answer the phone. I had made up in my mind “this is over” and I’m ok with that. Honestly, I wasn’t. I was really feeling him and knew he was feeling me. We had good chemistry, things came easy and I like the way I felt with him. So what did I do? I swallowed my stubborn pride and I eventually called him back, only to find out that he had an emergency with himself and his mom that resulted in them both being in the hospital. Gurl! When you talk about someone feeling so small. To make it worse, he came back and apologized first for not being able to call me. Then ensured that I knew the whole truth about what occurred. Insult to injury, the dude then had a very careful conversation with me about acting out of spite and asking me about my past and why it has caused me to expect the worse from people. I still have some growing to do guys.
Let’s rewind back a relationship. My ex-boyfriend, as I mentioned earlier would leave without notice and wouldn’t come back for weeks, sometimes months at a time. He was controlling, possessive and constantly accusing me cheating or wanting someone else. Because I had come out of a marriage where I was severely cheated on. I mistook his possessive and narcissistic behavior for desire to want only me. Initially, a little jealousy here and there was kind of cute- is what I would tell myself. The possessiveness with my time- I dressed that up in “he wants only me”. At the end of that relationship we were literally fighting like cats and dogs. Police were called, people went to jail, kids experienced trauma. It was not good.
So I went into a relationship after my marriage allowing B.S. and dressing it up as love because I felt like that’s what deserved and I what I was worth. And even after a year plus of reflection time, I almost missed out on a great friend because I assumed that he would be just like the others. Morale of the story. The only person that pays for the frailties of the ex was me.
So sis, the next time you find yourself calling it quits on a relationship, take your time to heal, don’t be afraid to ask yourself those hard questions- why am I really responding this way; am I jumping to conclusions, what patterns do I see, am I building a conclusion based on assumptions or facts.
Happy Healing!
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