Tips for Teaching Your Kids About Feelings

1. Be open and honest about your feelings in your kids' presence. It's important for your children to see you as a healthy, active adult who appropriately expresses their feelings.

• How you manage your own feelings provides your young child's first lesson in how to express his feelings.
• Modeling is one of the most powerful forms of teaching behaviors to children.

  2. Show respect. Verbally express your feelings in ways that are helpful and that show respect for others. When you and your spouse appropriately talk about your emotions and share them with each other, kids learn how to do it just by observing.

• Use "I" statements followed by "feeling" words when you share your emotions in front of your children.
• For example, "I feel really annoyed when you play with your friends on the way home from school and get here 30 minutes late."

  3. Be mindful of your tone of voice. If you use appropriate tones of voice when expressing feelings, your kids will learn to use them as well. For example, instead of raising your voice when you're upset, make an effort to keep your voice calm.

  4. Identify your young children's emotions with them. For very young children, two or three years old, it's beneficial to label and clarify the children's feelings in their presence. Especially at six years and under, children usually have little understanding of how their emotions function.

• For example, if a three-year-old gets angry and stamps his feet because he wants candy, get down to his eye level and say something like, "You're angry at mommy right now because you can't have candy."

• Use names of feelings, like angry, mad, sad, happy, pleased, frustrated, and others. You convey a great deal of emotional learning when you teach a child about feelings by using the names of emotions.
• Sometimes, you may find it helpful to tell a youngster, "It's okay if you're mad." Giving the child permission to feel and express his feelings can be very validating for them, even if they don't respond that way at the time.
• On the other hand, if a young child gets frustrated or angry and throws a toy that could hurt someone, it's advisable to state, "No, don't throw your toys. It's not okay to throw your toys." Separate the actions from their emotions and from them as people.
• Remember, it's futile for adults to get frustrated or angry with young children who have a lot to learn about their emotions. Your patience will show them, by modeling, how to keep their cool, even in a frustrating situation.

5. Reward them. When your child manages their feelings appropriately, providing immediate positive reinforcement makes a big difference in how a child learns to express emotions. Emotional management will often manifest in appropriate behavior.

• Smile and say something like, "Billy, I like the way you sat so still in the grocery cart. You did a great job!"
• When offering positive comments, state your child's name and obtain eye contact with him. This will help reinforce the positive behavior.